


Behind the Screen

by saradactyl03



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bee Toby Smith | Tubbo, Depressed TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Good Parent Wilbur Soot, Heavy Angst, Hurt TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Minecraft, Personal Growth, Protective Wilbur Soot, References to Depression, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:00:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28248783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saradactyl03/pseuds/saradactyl03
Summary: Disclaimer: Tommyinnit is a minor, so there will be no romantic relationships in this fic; it is all based on friendship. If he ever says that he is uncomfortable with any type of fanfiction, this will be taken down immediately.  :)Tommy has always loved entertaining people. His priorities belong to his friends and his fans. However, his life isn't as perfect as portrayed. Every day, he is plagued by his own demons. Just because he is widely known doesn't mean that he is perfect, even if that's what he wants everyone to believe. He's great at hiding his true self, but what happens when the chinks in his mask turn to cracks?TW// Depression, anxiety, anxiety/panic attacks, suicidal ideation, self-harm, emotional/mental abuseLastly: This fic is based on personal experiences, and I am making it to spread awareness and remind people that everyone is a person, whether an influencer or not. I am in no way saying that this is true of Tommy; I just had the idea for this fic and decided I would write it. :)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 201





	Behind the Screen

**Author's Note:**

> This story is all based on personal experiences; I am in no way saying that this is actually what Tommy's life is like. I just thought it would be fun to dive deeper into what an influencer's mind might look like. Remember to be respectful as Tommy is a minor, so please refrain from commenting ships or anything NSFW involving him. All chapters from here on out will contain some trigger warning, and they will be listed at the top so that you may skip any part that you need to. Anyways, have fun, and enjoy reading!
> 
> TW// Depression, mention of s/h, anxiety, emotional/mental abuse

The blue-green light from Tommy’s pc illuminated his being as he began his live stream. Upbeat music flooded the room, and the chat flashed rapidly before Tommy’s eyes.

“Hello, stream!” Tommy exclaimed as he looked up towards his webcam. A huge smile was etched into his face, giving the impression that the boy was very excited about the upcoming events. To anyone on the outside, it would seem as though Tommy was having a great day. Sadly, it was quite the contrary. What the stream could not see, however, was the mess that was his real life. Tommy always kept the space in sight of the camera tidy so that nobody would worry. The thing that they didn’t see was the hurricane that he called his bedroom. 

Piles of clothes lay scattered across the ground, an unsettling scent rising from them. Dozens of coke cans were strewn across his room, thrown to the wayside and never to be touched again. Empty chip bags joined the cans on the floor with their excess of crumbs. Anything thrown behind him while on his computer ended up being swept to the other side of the room, adding to the piles. To Tommy, the most crucial thing in the world was making sure his fans could not see what a mess his life was. 

And so Tommy continued with a smile on his face, hiding from the world behind his own little mask. The thing is, there were times when he was happy. He knew how lucky he was and enjoyed spending time with his friends. Sometimes his laughter was genuine, his smiles real. But only sometimes. 

“Today, we are going to be joining the Dream SMP and fighting for L’manburg!” Tommy grinned, looking up towards his webcam and chuckling. “Dream will never take our land!” He knew that this would draw in the crowd; he used every emotion to his advantage. Loe and behold, the chat went wild. Tommy quickly joined the discord VC with Tubbo and Wilbur, ready to take on the day’s work. This was the only thing he looked forward to anymore, and he was prepared to begin. 

“Tommy!” Wilbur and Tubbo’s welcome enveloped Tommy. He smiled, grateful for his friends. “What are we doing today, big man?” 

“Well, I think it’s about time we did some building in our beautiful country; I don’t know about you!” Tommy suggested, his tone rising to his stream-voice yell. “Our country needs some better defense systems if we want to beat Dream!” Wilbur and Tubbo joined in his cry, vowing to defend L’manburg until death. 

And so began their stream. Tommy did all he could to keep a smile on his face, but it had been a hard day. What he wanted to do was curl up in bed, not sit in front of thousands of people. But, he had a fan-base to entertain. If Tommy didn’t have that, then what would he have? About an hour into the stream, his eyes became droopy, and he felt his resolve slipping. C’mon man, chin up—no time for being a failure now. He shook his head and looked back up at his screen, deftly placing blocks to create the wall that would protect L’manburg from Dream’s wrath. 

“Tommy, man? You good?” Wilbur’s voice crackled through his headphones, startling the younger boy. He jumped slightly and instinctively trained his eyes on the webcam. A huge smile crossed his face, but it didn’t feel like his own. What’s the point of smiling if it’s not real? Tommy shook the thought off and answered Wilbur.

“Yeah, man, I’m good; it was just a long day at college. You know, women and stuff.” He winked knowingly at the camera and added a laugh for extra effect. As he did, he noticed his chat. 

\----  
Taranotfound: is he okay? he seems off today :(

Dreaminnit: tommy whats wrong?

Anonymous1032: somethings not right with him today, is it just me or...  
\----

“Chat, I’m fine, seriously! No need to worry, I am a big man!” He threw the words around lightly as if to deter from the situation. Shit, I need to get it together. Tommy glanced over at the clock, eyes widening when he saw the time. Dad’s going to be home soon. Shit. 

“...and we need more obsidian over here. Can you do that, Tommy?” Wilburs voice swam back into Tommy’s consciousness. 

“On it, Wilby. Let me go get some, and I’ll get to work.” Tommy grinned slightly at the nickname. He began to make conversation with his chat, making sure to stay fully engaged. Soon enough, he found himself becoming happy, content in his little bubble with his stream. 

**********  
It had been another half hour, and Tommy was continuing to grind on stream. He was much happier now and had settled into his usual perky atmosphere. But, just as things were seeming to look up, they plummeted right back down. 

Tommy heard his front door open, and a masculine voice floated through the house. His head shot up from his computer, immediately swiveling towards the door behind him. Dread bubbled up in his chest as he turned back to his chat to say goodbye. 

“Thanks everyone for hopping on the stream; it is now time for me to go! See you all tomorrow!” Tommy gave his webcam one final toothy grin before ending his stream, exiting to a separate VC to say goodbye to his friends privately. Tommy sat for a couple of seconds, leaning back in his chair while waiting for his friends to join his call. What if they don’t join? What if they don’t even care enough to say goodbye? Do they even like me? Tommy squeezed his eyes shut as if that would fend off the thoughts that were attacking him. Every second felt like an itch under his skin, getting worse and worse. What if they didn’t join? He knew that his mind lied to him plenty of times, but what if he wasn’t wrong this time? 

“Tommy, my man!” Tommy’s head shot up when Tubbo’s voice traveled through his headphones. He hadn’t realized he was clenching his fists until he went to pull himself out of his reclined position. Red crescent-moons adorned his palms, and he gazed at them, transfixed. 

“Tommy?” Tubbo spoke again, sounding slightly concerned. Tommy pulled his eyes away from his palms and pushed away from the deepening pit in his stomach. 

“Tubbo! I’ll see you tomorrow at school. If you’re still streaming after I eat dinner, I’ll come raid.” Tommy smiled as he heard the familiar beep of another person joining the VC. 

“Yo Tommy, you okay? You seemed kinda off today.” Wilbur’s voice was soft, as if not to break Tommy. Tommy hated when people walked around him like that, which was just one more reason not to tell his friends how he truly felt. 

“Will, I told you, I’m fine,” Tommy immediately regretted his tone, knowing that he did not indeed sound fine. “I promise I’m just tired.” 

Before either Wilbur or Tubbo could respond, Tommy heard a yell from downstairs. Time for dinner. Saved by the yell. Tommy smiled slightly at his lame joke. 

“Guys, that was my dad. I gotta go now. Talk to you later?” He asked it as a question, careful not to seem too forceful. He didn’t want to give them another reason to dislike him. 

“Of course, you better raid my stream!” Tubbo responded right as Wilbur said, “Yep, see ya, Tommy!” Tommy laughed and said his final goodbyes, promising Tubbo he would come back soon. As soon as he clicked the “leave call” button, he sighed deeply. 

Now was time to face his dad. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself out of his chair. His nails found his palms again, and they connected in matrimony. He chewed on the inside of his lip as he opened his door to go down to dinner. Would his dad be in a bad mood today? There was no way to know until he arrived. 

As he made his way down the stairs, he heard hushed voices around the corner. He knew he shouldn’t eavesdrop, but he couldn’t help himself. He slowed to a stop and pressed his ear against the wall curiously. 

“...and there was so much fucking traffic today. Not to mention how shitty my coworkers were. I fucking hate it there.” His dad’s voice echoed through the kitchen; the hatred was seeping into everything in the vicinity. 

“I know, honey, and I’m sorry. Maybe they had something going on in their personal lives that was affecting their moods; you never know what could be going-” 

“I don’t give a fuck. If they are at work, they need to treat people right. Especially their coworkers who do so much for them, like ME.” His dad’s voice began to rise, and Tommy flinched on instinct. 

“I’m sorry... “ Tommy could barely hear his mom’s voice anymore. He could tell that she had given up convincing him that there is more to the world than what he could see. Tommy’s stomach churned as he realized he needed to come out before it caused more trouble. I really don’t want to deal with this today. 

Tommy finished walking down the stairs, making sure his parents could hear him. He didn’t want them knowing that he was eavesdropping. 

“Hey, dad.” Tommy smiled slightly. His father ignored him. He refrained from asking his father how work was today—no need to stir up more drama. He inched his way around his parents and slid into his chair at the dining table, sending his mom a sympathetic smile while his dad wasn’t looking. His leg immediately started bouncing, a nervous tic he developed when in anxiety-inducing situations.

Tommy became aware of how hungry he was only after his mom brought the food to the table. His mouth watered, and it was only then that he noticed a metallic tang in his mouth. Reaching up, he touched the inside of his lip where he had been nervously gnawing. His finger came back smeared with red, a familiar sight to the boy. Quickly looking up to make sure nobody was watching, he wiped his finger on the back of his jeans and straightened up in his seat. 

Tommy ate quickly that night, his whole being itching to be back in the solitude of his room. The dining room was deathly quiet throughout the entirety of dinner, which set Tommy on edge even more. If his father had nothing to say now, he would explode later. A good ten minutes passed before Tommy’s mom spoke. 

“Tommy, quit playing with your food and eat, please.” His head snapped up, and his breathing ceased for a solid ten seconds before he pulled himself back together. He expected his father to make some sort of snarky comment towards him, but he didn’t. 

“Sorry, mum, I’m not feeling well tonight.” It was only a half-lie. He had already eaten most of the food in front of him, but the longer he sat with his eerily quiet father, the more anxious he became. His anxiety then became nausea, so he resorted to pushing around his vegetables instead of eating them. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take.

“Aw, I’m sorry, hun, you can go upstairs and rest if you like. Don’t worry about cleaning up down here; I’ve got it.” Tommy had never been more grateful for his mom. No, that’s untrue. There have been plenty of times where he owed life to his mother. Either way, he was grateful. 

Tommy sighed and pushed back in his chair, giving his mom a grateful smile and thanks. He hummed a goodbye to his parents and began climbing the stairs to his escape. He opened his door carefully, making sure to close it with ease so his father wouldn’t see it as slamming the door. He quickly turned the lock on the door, ensuring his privacy. 

The first thing Tommy did was pull off his sweatshirt. Sweat had begun beading on his forehead and trickling down his back. He hated having to wear long-sleeves all the time, but he did that to himself so he couldn’t complain much. He threw his sweatshirt onto the floor, where it joined a pile of clothes that hadn’t been washed in who knows how long. Tommy collapsed on his bed, bringing his body into a slightly curled position. 

The next thing Tommy noticed was the crescents on his palms. They still hadn’t entirely faded out, leaving a shade of pink against his pale skin. He ran his fingers over them unconsciously, feeling them beneath his fingertips. His hand began trailing down to his forearm, where his fingers met with more pink against pale skin. He traced the colored lines on his arms, forgetting about everything else in the world. In that one moment, nothing else existed but himself and his selfish mistakes. 

He hated himself for it. He knew that it would kill his mother to know. He also knew that his friends would never look at him the same if they knew. It was a horrible habit to be kept to himself, locked away deep in the back of his mind. Deep down, he knew he needed help, but he didn’t even care anymore. In some sick way, it took away his pain.

He rolled onto his back and let his arms fall onto the bed beside him. He closed his eyes and tried to think happy thoughts. He ran his hands over his face, the skin pulling lightly under his fingertips. He had to get up; he promised Tubbo. Alright Tommy, he thought, you’ve got this. Just get out of bed. It’s not that hard. Except, it was. He was like a tree, rooted in his bed with no escape. He knew there was only one way to get up now. 

He rolled to his side, falling off the bed and hitting the floor hard. The jolt gave him the energy he needed to stand up and drag himself over to his computer. He shook his head to get his mind working. He hated doing this, but it was the best way he knew to get up from that state. His hand moved with muscle memory, his cursor opening up Tubbo’s stream. Immediately, Tubbo’s chat noticed that he was there, and soon enough, Tubbo saw too. 

“Tommy! About time you joined! Get on the VC!” Tubbo was smiling, which made Tommy feel a little bit better. At least he had someone like Tubbo. Tommy opened up the application and sent Tubbo a quick message to tell him that he would rather talk without the stream being able to hear him. Tubbo responded almost immediately. 

Tommyinnit: Hey, can I call you instead? Don’t really feel like talking with fans rn

Tubbo: Ofc, call me when ur ready and I’ll answer

Tommy sighed with relief, happy to know his friend didn’t mind him talking privately instead of the normal chatting on stream. He grabbed his phone and opened up his contacts, hitting Tubbo’s name. He was about to click the Facetime button but realized he didn’t have his sweatshirt on. He glanced over at where it lay on the floor and immediately made up his mind. He called Tubbo instead of Facetiming him. Tommy just couldn’t find the energy in him to grab his sweatshirt. Tubbo answered the call immediately. 

“Tommyyyyyy, my man!” Tommy felt a genuine smile growing on his complexion. Just to be safe, Tommy turned up the volume on Tubbo’s stream to see if the viewers would be able to hear him talking. 

“Tubboooooo,” Tommy listened to the stream, and with a jolt of relief, realized that the viewers wouldn’t hear him. “How is my main man?” 

“I’m just chillin’, how are you? Was dinner good?” It was an innocent question, but the words filled Tommy with familiar darkness that he could never get used to. 

Tommy choked up, fumbling around the knot in his throat to answer. He was trying to form a sentence when Tubbo spoke again.

“Tommy, are you alright?” Tommy watched Tubbo’s face turn from happy to a genuine concern, and he shut down. Could the chat see it? What if Tubbo just ruined everything? 

Deep down, Tommy knew this wasn’t Tubbo’s fault. If he wasn’t so stupid and weak, he could have just answered and gotten on with it. But Tommy wasn’t in the headspace to be rational. 

“I’m fine.” Tommy exhaled after a sharp inhale of breath. He did not sound fine, and he knew it. 

“Tommy, are you sure-” Tommy ended the call before Tubbo could finish. He threw his phone at his bed while hot tears stung the back of his eyes. Again, he ended up with his fists clenched. He watched his screen for a minute longer before shutting his computer down completely. The last thing he saw was the hurt in Tubbo’s eyes as he slowly pulled the phone away from his ear and sadly looked up at the webcam. Tommy knew Tubbo looked up on purpose, knowing Tommy was watching the stream. 

Tommy ditched everything. Forgetting homework and all other plans for the night, he flung himself into bed and curled his body among the covers until he felt he was part of his bed. His phone occasionally dinged with messages from Tubbo, and eventually, he muted him. Tommy spent the next while staring at his ceiling, hoping that the grains would reveal something life-changing. As always, they did not. 

**********  
Just as Tommy was drifting off into sleep, his phone screamed into his ear. Someone was calling him. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me right now, he thought. He looked at the caller ID and repeated the same phrase out loud. It was Wilbur. After a couple of seconds, Tommy decided he would answer, just in case something was wrong. 

“What do you want, Wilbur,” Tommy’s voice was flat and emotionless. “I was almost asleep, so this better be good.” 

“No more lies. Are you okay, Tommy? Tubbo told me what happened.” Wilbur’s deep voice traveled through the phone and into Tommy’s ears. At this moment in time, Tommy wished that he was deaf to avoid this situation entirely. 

“Will, I’m fine. I’m just tired, seriously.” Tommy yawned, silently thanking his body for the timing. He heard Wilbur sigh deeply on the other side of the line, and Tommy rolled his eyes. It’s not like Wilbur even cares about him, right? Right? 

“Okay, Tommy. I can’t make you talk. But if you ever need anything, please call me.” Wilbur sounded defeated. For an instant, Tommy felt terrible for lying to him. He was only trying to be helpful, and here Tommy was pushing him away. But it’s for his own good, Tommy reminded himself harshly. Who would want to deal with his problems? 

“Alright, Wilbur. Can I sleep now?” Tommy rolled over onto his side, making sure Wilbur could hear every exhausted movement. Anything to make him get off the phone, Tommy would do. 

“Sure, Tommy, I’ll let you go. Apologize to Tubbo, okay? Have a good night.” Wilbur yawned himself, giving Tommy a surge of gratefulness that Will was also tired. If he weren’t, it would have been harder to get him off the phone. 

“Okay. You too.” Tommy hummed, hitting the end call button. He immediately switched over to Spotify. His thoughts were spinning too fast for his good, and he knew that if he didn’t distract himself, things could go wrong. He hit shuffle on his playlist and slapped his hand over his mouth to contain his laughter. Tommy’s Spotify had chosen to play Let You Down by NF. What a coincidence, he thought, still attempting to contain laughter.  
The song began playing, and his laughter quickly turned to tears.

“All these voices in my head get loud  
I wish that I could shut them out  
I'm sorry that I let you down  
Let you down”

Tommy followed along with the song, hating that he understood every word. 

“Yeah, I guess I'm a disappointment  
Doing everything I can  
I don't wanna make you disappointed”

He turned onto his other side, tears staining his cheeks. They were falling rapidly now as he thought of his father. He curled into himself, holding a hand over his mouth to contain his sobs. 

“I feel like every time I talk to you  
You're in an awful mood  
What else can I offer you?  
There's nothing left right now, I gave it all to you”

Tommy knew, oh he knew that he wasn’t the only person feeling this way, but he felt so alone. The darkness was everywhere now, filling not only his mind but also his gut. It traveled down every limb to the very tips of his fingers and toes; he was consumed. 

“Yeah I'm sorry  
That I let you down”

The song ended, and Tommy was lulled into the uneasy darkness of sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed it, don't forget to come back later for more updates! :)
> 
> \- Update: New chapter should be out soon! Sorry for the wait, I've had a lot going on irl but I'm back and better than ever! Let me know: would you guys rather longer chapters like this with less frequent updates or shorter chapters with frequent updates? Comment down below and let me know! :)


End file.
